I got an email from this guy in the national bank located in Ouagadougou, Bukina Faso. Apparently some long lost relative of mine died in a plane crash and he had like 69 Billion dollars. The guy, named Mr. Henry, told me he could transfer me the funds if I emailed my credit card info and the sort. I decided I would show him my thanks by showing up in Ouagadougou and taking him out for a round of drinks on my dime. Get some cool wood liquor and get literally blind drunk, perfect state to be in while in a foreign country. I packed my bags and took a flight to Ouagadougou. When I got there I headed to the bank and asked for Mr. Henry and explained my situation. They said that it was a scam and they would never do anything like what I had discussed with Mr. Henry. I knew they were lying, there was no way Mr. Henry would ever try to scam me. We were friends, brothers even. I left the bank and climbed up on top of it. I then screamed from the top of it “MR. HENRYYYYYYYY!!!!!”. Eventually there was an earthquake and a man with gray skin, a yellow nose, and purple glowing eyes, came out of the roof of the bank. He was completely naked except for a Dora backpack that was attached to his groin with industrial staples. He beckoned me to come near him and he became a gray griffin wearing a bootleg FIFA polo. We flew out of Ouagadougou and to Dialakoro, a small town in Burkina Faso. There I saw was a massive mine, and the workers were ripping the ground apart, and they had shovels for hands. I asked where the fuck was I and why the fuck was I here. Mr Henry (while still in griffin form) explained that the relative was indeed fake, and that there was no money, but there was something better. He walked me around the site, the ores the people were collecting were red diamonds. It was believed that these descended from Mars and were originally used to eradicate all white people but rotted on their way. People carefully wrapped the ores into makeshift rucksacks made up of sewn together sections of the cloth from mattresses you only find in motels. They soaked these in large vats full of water and then drained the liquid out into rusty metal containers. He took me over to a tent that had a fridge plugged into a baby’s butt. He took out a gallon of what was marked as “Red Diamond All Natural Sweet Tea”. He poured me a glass of it in a totally broken Garfield glass. I asked if I could have one not broken and full of glass and he screamed and threw it down. He then got a regular glass and poured in the substance. I sampled the bizarre red ore tea. As I took a sip he told me with a smile on his face, “this is the taste of the blood diamonds!”. After drinking my glass I told him “it tastes a lot like Walmart tea, that may or may not be the same brand though since I rarely go there anymore. I know they have Great Value tea, which this is not, but this tastes an awful lot like what I got at Walmart before so maybe its the same product. Basically its super budget sweet tea, like the kind of stuff at McDonald’s and maybe Walmart. I honestly totally love this stuff though, it tastes hella good. The Red Diamond tea in particular tastes like if you mixed some McDonald’s tea with like honey water. For some reason it tastes like honey to me. Its sweet, cheap, budget sweet tea that tastes good.”. He then stabbed me and stole my credit card and I spent 3 weeks in a Burkina Faso hospital which was just a shed with a guy yelling at me.